Gia
Figueroa
Janel
Spencer
Writing
101S
31 October 2019
Only time will tell
At a very young age, many challenging situations were forced upon me by my
parents. Although I shouldnât have had to go through, allowed me to learn so
much. When I think back on the many events that occurred all those years ago,
it really makes me realize how much Iâve grown as an individual. I learned that
I shouldnât hold a grudge and to be grateful for what I have, and to not judge
people based on their appearance.
The circumstances I had to grow up in were very complicated and far too long to
explain, but Iâll share as much as I can without oversharing. Growing up I was
away from my siblings and my parents for a few different reasons. My parents; a
drug addict mother who didnât take care of her kids too well and who I didnât
see much of, and my father, an immigrant man who also did drugs, but from what
I can remember, he was a hard worker who tried his best to provide for his kids
when he came back from being away.
    Between the years of 2008- 2010, my dad moved into a little studio apartment right next to his parents, my grandparentsâ house where I lived. For a very little while I was at a foster care before I was officially adopted by my guardian, who is my aunt from my father’s side. Often times my siblings would be there at my dadâs when things with my mom were messy. Thatâs how things were, my mother would sometimes say and do mean things which would result in my siblings having to go somewhere else to sleep. Since I didnât really grow up with my siblings and parents, it sadly seems like they are strangers to me. I didnât get to experience all the things my siblings did. Which was probably a good thing for many not-so-pleasant reasons, but it also makes me feel alienated with my siblings.
I remember the times when Iâd go with my dad and my brothers up to a really big
expensive house on the Northside to pick up his payment from that week, since
he was a landscaper. We would drive in his 2000 red Chevy Silverado, that would
squeak when you hit the brakes too hard. Heâd split the money evenly between
him and the 2 or 3 other workers with him. Afterwards we would go to the
grocery store, and if the pay was good he would tell us to get whatever we
wanted. He would also never check the prices of things and every time my sister
or I were to say something his response would be, âDonât worry about it, Mija,
thatâs what I work for,â with his heavy Mexican accent.
           There would be times when we would get odd looks from people, who were typically Caucasians. They would look at the cheap clothes my siblings and I had to wear, my dadâs dirty work clothes and they would make a face. It was a mix of pity and judgment. At school I was picked on because I didnât have nice brand clothes like everyone else.  We often had to wear hand-me-downs or cheap clothes from stores like Factory 2 U and Savers. They would give us looks of pity and sometimes it even looked like disgust. Some old white lady once called my dad a âno good, useless wetback who doesnât belong here.â  because he had traces of sweat and dirt on his clothes from working outside for hours, making a living. That same day I cried in my room at my grandparentsâ house because I saw the way my dadâs face dropped at her words.
The judgment didnât always come from
strangers. Thereâs a decent amount of snobby relatives who fall into the
category of people who judge others by their appearance. The looks of judgment
and disgust from strangers were more than enough; adding some family to that,
made the feeling of hurt all the more painful. At times it wasnât even towards
me or my family but Iâd witnessed the stares people would give those who were
dressed in dirty, and ragged clothes people wore from a day of work. Those
people in the dirty, ragged clothes are probably more hard working than the one
judging them, they might be barely making ends meet and with little-to-no money
to spare, just like my dad did. Some people struggle more than others, passing
rude judgment is unnecessary and belittling.
           Money was always kind of tight, not only in my living situations, but my siblingsâ as well. There were times when we struggled to have enough food to feed six hungry, growing kids, and my dad, and sometimes even my mom. We had to each get a small portion of the already little food we had, but my daddy always found a way, even if it meant sacrificing his portion of food. He always tried his best to make sure we didnât struggle too much, even if he had to overwork himself.
In 2010, I returned from school one
afternoon to be informed that my daddy had left again, for who knows how many
years this time. My father was stopped on his way to work that day and was sent
to prison in California for a few years. All the while my father was gone, my
siblings went back to my motherâs and I spoke to them little to never, aside
from my sister. My daddy was like the glue that stuck us siblings together, and
without him, the already painful and increasing hole in my heart increased when
we had no contact for years.
When I was a little kid, I had always been told by some snobby relatives, what
kind of people my real parents wereâ it was almost taboo to bring them up. I
was angry and I felt left abandoned. My mother left me at my nans one day and I
didnât see her or my siblings for years. It felt like she just left me and kept
my brothers and sister. My father had been arrested a few times, for reasons my
young self didnât understand. I thought my daddy, too, had left me behind.
Growing up without them was very lonesome. I felt like such an outcast where I
was. I remember the whispers of people asking â Oh, who is that little girl?â
Theyâd look at me strangely. âOh Miguel, whoâs her mom? Why is she with
you?â Those words from some of my relatives, not only made me feel unwantedâ
but they also added fuel to my growing anger. I didnât understand why my father
was always away. Or why my mother left me. But in all honesty, aside from the
circumstances of our lives, even though I was angry at my father, he was my
favorite.
           After my dad got out of prison he was sent him to Mexico again. My father had gotten caught and deported a few times, but he had crossed illegally to come back to Tucson. Something I wish I wouldâve realized sooner was the fact that my dad would risk coming back and getting caught to come back to his kids. I remember he would tell me it would take him three days, since he had to walk.
Once my father was settled in his
little studio apartment it was around 2012. He had searched for jobs to earn
money to support himself. My sister and some other relative would send him
money when he couldnât find any jobs. I even sent him money when I had earned
some from cleaning my cousins room for like 15 or 20 dollars. While my father
was in Mexico, I had been told two different stories. One by the people I lived
with. The other by my mother. I still to this day have no idea why I was left
behind. When I asked my daddy when I visited him in Mexico, he told me,
âWhen your crazy bitch of a mother did that, I wasnât there. I was in the bote.
Iâm sorry, mija, but I knew youâd be alright. Iâm sorry, mija. I love you kids,
your daddy was a pendejo sometimes, I donât like leaving you guys.â With the
new knowledge I had received I felt that I shouldnât have been so caught up in
my own selfish anger. I wish I would have known that all those years before
anything bad happened.
           In 2016, my father didnât get better. His once golden tan skin, was pale. His dark chocolate eyes, didn’t have the same life in them as before. They were tired and dull. His pallid face always put a lump in my throat every time I looked at him. Even now, that pallid, exhausted express my father had for so long aches my chest and causes the familiar lump to grow. Eventually my father was admitted into the hospital in Mexico. Those two weeks he was there, I cannot put into words how nerve-wrecking, and suffocated those days were for me. All five of my siblings and my mother were with daddy on his last day. Unfortunately I wasnât, and I regret that with every single fiber of my being.   Â
Despite the complicated and
unbalanced relationship I had with my father, I learned a lot from him. As much
as it causes me an aching pain to my heart to say this, it took me so long, the
point where my dad was miles and miles away and became ill to realize; I should
be grateful for what and who I have in my life. I also learned that you should
never judge someone based on their appearance. You never know what that person
is going through and what their struggles are. Iâve tried my best and I
couldn’t wish more that I had come to realize what a waste holding a grudge
was, a grudge which was not entirely my father’s fault.